Suffer the children...

by Sharon Giles, Associate Solicitor at Thrings

All too often children are the silent victims of divorce. Situations arising beyond their control and, often, quite out of the blue expose them to conflict, unhappy atmospheres, change of house, change of school, change of friends, absent parents, replacement parents... The list goes on yet, very seldom, do children’s views and feelings become a part of the process unless the subject of dispute becomes them and how their time is to be shared between their parents

Collaborative process is special here because focus at the very outset can be on your children and best outcomes for them and both of you. The same difficult issues arising from family breakdown will need to be tackled but in an open and supported environment. You are encouraged to bring your most difficult discussions to the collaborative meetings thus saving your children from seeing Mum distraught at the kitchen table as she reads a letter from Dad’s solicitor which tells her she must get a job, claim tax credits and take over the mortgage payments for the house.

Many of my clients who opt for collaborative process have said “My parents had a terrible divorce…I want to protect my children from that”. Such strong motivation binds them to a process where conflict is replaced by constructive negotiation. We all work together to find best possible solutions. There will be compromise. There will be upset. There will also be exploration of options, understanding and focus on the whole family unit, not just one member of it.

If you are a divorcing parent now, just think. How will your children remember their experience of your divorce..?

We’ve all heard of light bulb moments and ah-ha moments, and I’ve been lucky enough to have a fair few of them in my time.  But light bulb days?  Well they’re much more of a rarity - special gems that live on in the memory and continue to drip-feed long after the actual day is done.  The CFL Conference at Ashton Court fits firmly into this category for me. Energy and vision seemed to constellate along a kind of invisible ley line that, almost from the moment of arrival and registration, had an electric buzz in it - a warm spirit of unity, co-operation and hope. 

Patricia Mallon’s opening address picked up and gave voice to this spirit perfectly, focusing on the theme of reconciliation, the healing of old wounds through new collaborations built on dialogue where past differences become a shared source of regret rather than a cause for further entrenched polarising.  Listening to her talk, in the airy grandeur of the main hall at Ashton Court Mansion, gave me much the same feeling as watching Obama’s speech in Westminster Hall - a sense of the defensive posturing we all so easily fall into when we feel threatened being seen for what it is; an artificial boundary between nations, cultures and the old and new that stunts our shared potential rather than enabling it.

The point that this proneness to anxious tribalism is just as strong in us collaborative professionals as in our divorcing clients was implied, if not actually stated, more powerfully at this conference than at any other I’ve attended.  Tricia Peters’ address, after lunch, taking up Patricia Mallon’s earlier themes with remarkable synchronicity, was a deliciously unpretentious call-to-collaborative-arms - an urge to just get on with it, to try things, to work out what works by doing it, and most of all to do this with colleagues who we like the look of who are from outside the comfort zone of our own professional groupings.  Tricia described this as the ‘second paradigm shift’ for lawyers, the first having been from litigation to collaborative law, this one the move from collaborative law to fully integrated, interdisciplinary collaborative practice.  This was powerful indeed from a non-legal keynote speaker; a professional who has fought for her own equal standing at the collaborative gate, so to speak.  Perhaps it’s not surprising in this particular gathering - many of us intrigued by the vision of the second shift even if a little daunted by the detail of its implementation - that her words were so welcome and inspiring.

As one of the seminar leaders, something else I noticed with quiet pleasure was the depth of the questions I was asked at my sessions, and the compassionate interest they showed in the subjective life of our clients.  This reminded me of something I was told by members of the Vancouver collaborative group - that in a well-seasoned and experienced interdisciplinary setting it becomes hard to distinguish the lawyers from the FCs from the IFAs.  Their ways of thinking and talking about clients become increasingly similar as they borrow the best from each other’s ways of working.  The groups I worked with at Ashton Court were clearly on that journey, and clearly enjoying the wider field of awareness they were gaining from it.

As I was leaving the conference I remarked to a colleague that I felt as if I’d been at a wedding - one where I couldn’t entirely let my hair down because I had a responsible role to fulfill!  It was an off-the-cuff remark made without thought.  But later I remembered writing somewhere else that in order to facilitate our clients towards getting the best possible divorce, we as collaborative professionals need to forge the best possible ‘marriages‘ between ourselves.  Maybe the ‘marriage’ idea wasn’t, then, quite so whacky.  In fact, maybe it summed up the very essence of why this day could be as enjoyable as it was while also mattering so much.

We are delighted to announce two additional speakers to our agenda for the Collaborative Family Lawyers annual conference on Friday 10th June 2011.

• Patricia Mallon will be our keynote speaker. Patricia is the current Chairperson of the IACP in Ireland and a very well respected lawyer and speaker across Europe. Patricia established one of the first truly interdisciplinary ADR practices in Dublin.

• Tricia Peters is an Australian Financial Neutral who will open the afternoon session of speakers. Tricia started an interdisciplinary collaborative centre in Melbourne, Australia (Melbourne Collaborative Alliance), with colleagues Marguerite Picard, Lawyer, and Dr Tina Sinclair, psychologist. The work they are doing is cutting edge in Australia (and the UK). Tricia and her partners run collaborative cases as an integrated team who intake the whole family to collaboration and offer a fixed price for their work.

The addition of these two speakers finalises our agenda for what promises to be a truly inspiring day for all collaborative professionals. Places are still available. Please download the Booking Form for more conference details and how to join us.

Getting divorced is hard on you and harder still on your children. Here’s a story from a mother who was pleased to have chosen collaborative family practice for her divorce...


Christopher's my son. At 12 - he's a great kid. I love him to bits, but then I would because I'm his mum. So that's only right and proper. It's not his fault his dad Dan decided to trade me in for a new model. I was concerned that Christopher would blame himself - kids don’t differentiate between their parents falling out of love with each other, as opposed to their dads not loving them anymore.

I know Chris is a sensitive child. I remember when he was 10 and I picked him up from school he asked, as he always did, "How's PC?" (PC, short for "pussy cat"). Unfortunately, PC had died of feline flu so I had to stop the car and tell him. I tried to do it as sensitively and gently as I could. The outburst was both instantaneous and shocking. His immediate reaction was to tell me that if he hadn't punched his little friend "Hunt" in the face then PC wouldn't have died. Now how obvious and logical is that? It clearly is when you're 10.

I got to thinking, well, if Chris thinks that his cat died because of some childish squabble he'd had at school how much more will he be blaming himself for Dan not coming home in the evenings any more?

I had been horrified one night when I knelt down by his bed to kiss him goodnight only to find myself kneeling on a bag containing something lumpy and very painful. When I opened the bag I found all my bits and pieces of jewellery in there. "What's this Chris?" It transpired he'd overheard his dad telling one of his friends that he knew that I would be taking "all" of Dan's money. Clearly Chris thought that if he gave my jewellery to Dan that would be an appropriate way to redress the balance between his parents.

Dan's not a bad man - clearly a little misguided - well, misguided enough
to have left me anyway, but we all make mistakes after all. I dearly wanted to tackle him about having opened his mouth in front of Chris but I knew it would end in disaster where both us would take the moral high ground and end up shouting at each other and then feeling rotten.

So I talked to my solicitor about it and he explained about "Collaborative Family Practice" - where Dan and I could sit down with our Lawyers together and work out the problems. If we felt it would be useful, we could also be referred to a Family Consultant (Counsellor/Psychotherapist). We could talk in a safe environment about the issues, and get professional help and guidance together. We could work out a financial solution so that Dan could stop worrying about me taking all of his money
as well! And anything else which was bothering us - great!

And do you know it worked! It wasn’t always easy - but we got through it and at least all three of us - Dan, Chris and me still have a working relationship. I can’t help but wonder how different life might be for our son Chris, if I had not resisted the temptation of arguing and blaming Dan for our son’s worries.

To find out more about Collaborative Family Practice contact a collaborative professional in your area via the links on this website.

Let's paint a scenario.
 
Rob was a successful entrepreneur who had built up a business during his marriage. He had been married to Sarah for 10 years but the marriage had come to an end. Sarah knew little about Rob’s business and was concerned that she would lose out. Rob felt that the business was "his" rather than an asset to be shared.

A Nasty Divorce can mean trouble for Business.

The impact of a marriage breakdown and divorce ripples out well beyond the family home. A business caught in the cross fire of a divorce will suffer. Inattention from a stressed-out, depressed or preoccupied owner can lose customers and business opportunities.

Divorce costs can escalate substantially as competing lawyers and forensic accountants pick over the assets of the family. A business interest is a family asset. It can often be the most valuable asset, and the biggest bone of contention in a divorce. Valuing it is complex, costly and time-consuming. How and who values it can be a major flash-point of conflict. Aside from its financial value, the emotional attachments can inflame the one who created it as he or she faces the prospect of sharing it with the other who has had no involvement in it.

The process you choose for your divorce can determine its outcome

What Sarah really wanted was the security of keeping the family home, not an interest in the business. Rob wanted to keep control of his business and the future benefits it might bring. They both wanted to avoid the acrimony and trauma of a traditional adversarial divorce court process. They feared this might destroy the business and the wealth they were trying to divide. They didn’t want a Judge to determine their futures, they wanted to do this for themselves.

Rob and Sarah decided to deal with their divorce Collaboratively. Like many they found out about Collaborative Family Practice from friends. They each selected Collaboratively trained lawyers who introduced a Collaboratively trained financial advisor. The financial advisor was able to look from a neutral perspective at the assets of the marriage including the business, the family home etc and helped Rob and Sarah understand the division options open to them. A Family Consultant (Counsellor/Psychotherapist)  worked with them to address their emotions towards each other, develop communication and a level of trust between them. Through a series of meetings solutions were found and neither felt disadvantaged.

The collaborative divorce process proved to:

• preserve the wealth held by Rob & Sarah and not destroy it.
• ensure the right professional dealt with the right problem for Rob & Sarah.
• encourage Rob & Sarah to think creatively and craft solutions that worked for them and their family.
• enable them to decide and keep control of what happened & how fast it happened.

Every divorcing couple is different, and a collaborative divorce process is not for everyone. But Rob & Sarah found that a collaborative divorce can enable solutions to be found and destruction to be limited to those things that were important to them and their family.

To find out more about Collaborative Family Practice contact one of the specially trained collaborative lawyers in your area from the links on this website and they will be happy and able to assist you. 

Together Everyone Achieves More

• Learn new skills
• Deepen your understanding
• Be inspired to advance your practice
• Network with a substantial number of professionals
• Earn valuable CPD whilst enjoying yourself ! 5 CPD points

A family dispute is a time of great distress and upheaval for all concerned.  The turmoil felt by the couple themselves can ripple out to children, other family members and friends. It can be difficult to know where to start or how to see a way forward and many people are concerned about the legal costs, uncertainty and acrimony of taking court action.

Most couples would prefer not to have to go to court to resolve differences about money or children. Court action is needed in some situations but for those couples who feel that with some help they could negotiate an outcome that works for both of them and the children, the Collaborative process or mediation (or a mixture of both) may assist.

Collaborative Family Practice allows a couple to work through their financial and other issues in a private and dignified way, each having the support and advice of their own lawyer. Couples are able to work through the reality of their situation and make decisions about how best to move forward. Personal counsellors, child specialists and financial experts can also be brought into the process when needed. The process helps couples to build long lasting solutions, and to preserve family relationships often in difficult traumatic circumstances. Creative outcomes are possible to match the individual needs of each family.

• The Collaborative process can be of help in lots of circumstances:
• Divorce and its financial consequences
• Separation and Cohabitation disputes between unmarried couples
• Children’s arrangements & shared parenting.
• Relationship agreements (prenuptial & post nuptial, Cohabitation)
• Inheritance disputes amongst family members

To find out more about Collaborative Family Practice please contact a specially trained collaborative lawyer in your area via the links on this website.

This is advanced notice that the Wiltshire Family Justice Council Conference will be held on Thursday 23 June 2010 at Alexandra House, Wroughton. Please put this date in your diary.

The theme of the day is likely to be issues around contact in both private and public law cases. CPD points will be available.

Further details will follow

Separation – a constructive team approach

We have got good news.  Divorce is evolving!

Professionals from many fields are now working together to help couples have a more dignified divorce or split.  It puts the clients in control of the process and decisions.  It’s designed to reduce the stress, conflict and costs for the couple and any children.

See for yourself how this new process helps battling, stressed-out, mistrusting enemies, to listen, co-operate and create solutions positively for their future, round a table with their advisers.

Hear why Lawyers, Life Coaches, Accountants and IFAs believe in the Collaborative approach.

Find out how you could add value to clients, patients, staff and people you advise.

Find out how your services might compliment a collaborative team. 

Date:

Time:

To include a presentation, drinks and networking opportunities.

This question hits a very raw nerve for many people facing divorce.  Marriage, we were always taught, is for life - otherwise why bother getting married?  So when it doesn’t last a lifetime, it seems someone must be to blame.  “Maybe it’s me.  Maybe I should have spoken up earlier.  Maybe I should have seen it coming.  Maybe I was too passive, too bossy, too preoccupied.  Maybe I’m just useless at relationships.”  Sound familiar?

There are all kinds of other mishaps in life that we easily forgive ourselves for, but the prospect of divorce can press all our self-blame buttons.  Why?

I recently conducted some research into what marriage means to us, and discovered that it cuts across all the key reference points we use for conceptualising our world and our place within it.  It contributes to our understanding of ourselves and others in legal, moral, emotional, political and developmental terms.  You don’t even have to like or approve of marriage for it to hold this level of impact.  In fact, not liking it indicates its power just as much as liking it does.

Now, if we take just one of those domains - moral - and remind ourselves that our cultural history is steeped with the notion that marriage is good - so divorce, therefore, is bad - it instantly becomes clear why your divorce is making you feel you’re suddenly living on the wrong side of the tracks, whether it was your choice or not.  This is a feeling, remember, not a thought.  Rationally you may know the relationship was irreparable, going nowhere, over.  But this isn’t enough to dispel those gnawings of primitive, reactive guilt and sense of failure.

It might surprise you to know that Collaborative Practice takes all this into account.  Whether the person you’re working with is a Family Consultant (Counsellor/Psychotherapist), a lawyer or a financial adviser, we’ll be listening to what’s happened, how you feel about it and what you need, but never judging you.  Those moralising days are long gone.  Our holistic interdisciplinary approach just focuses on helping you achieve whatever it is you need to build the best future for your children, yourself and your ex, emotionally, practically and financially.

It can be a tough challenge, but if by working together we can keep your divorce out of court, that’s a success, not a failure.